Mercy

Written by Hannah Ortega

Illustrated by Kian Amos

"I remember. I remember his blank eyes. I remember his broken neck. I remember the scarlet blood. I’ll never forget it."

I didn’t mean for it to go this far.

I swear, I didn’t.

Tobias lays on the ground, his eyes an empty cloud of blue as he stares endlessly at a horizon created by wood floor meeting painted wall. His neck is contorted at an unnatural angle, a random bone jutting out against his skin.

Blood stains the sharp corner of the side table.

I swear, I swear, I swear.

My mouth quivers as I stand over Tobias, dumbfounded and horrified. I am a mirror of his body — cold, numb, stuck. Everything inside me has shut down, but when I see the blood trickling from Tobias mouth, a switch suddenly flips and my body comes back to life.

I rush to Tobias’s side. “Tobias! Tobias!”

I cradle his head in my lap. Looking for a pulse, I press my fingers to his neck and gag when I brush over the grotesque protrusion of bone.

When I don’t find a pulse, I lay my head against his chest.

When I don’t hear a heartbeat, I wrench my head around and vomit onto the floor.

“Tobias!” I wail. “Tobias, please! Please, no! I’m sorry!”

His skin grows colder by the second, and I find myself rubbing his face in a desperate attempt to warm him.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Tobias’s ebony hair and the drumming of rain outside muffles my screams. My mind spins and expands and collapses on itself as thousands of panicked thoughts, unsure of what to do, smush themselves together in a muddy heap to form single words that come in fragments.

Tobias.

Blood.

You.

Fault.

Dead.

Soft light flashes through one of the front windows of Tobias’s house. I snap my head up, eyes glinting against the glow like a rabid animal. Tobias’s neighbors are outside, hurrying toward their house through the rain with flame-lit lanterns in hand.

One of the neighbors is dressed in white, and the color sparks a loud, terrifying thought.

Judgment Day.

It’s an important tradition in our village. Everyone has to face the pool and let the waters decide their fate by determining if they are innocent or tainted by evil, which is reflected in the water either remaining clear or turning red. The whole village came to each person’s Judgment Day wearing white clothes.

And my Judgment Day is in two days.

I feel guilty for even thinking about it as Tobias lays limp in my arms, but I can’t help the nausea rising in me. I have Tobias’s blood on my hands. The waters would know. I would be exiled or killed. My life as I know it would be over.

Run.

The word cuts through my mind like a blade. It’s an animal instinct, one that doesn’t make much sense but that compels me all the same. Fearful adrenaline takes over me.

Run.

I lay Tobias back on the ground and bolt for the backdoor. I can barely see through my tears and the dim light, and when I throw open the door, the darkness of night consumes me. The tar-colored sky and inky ground melt together to form one endless sheet of nothingness, so perfectly blended that I don’t know if I’m running on air or earth.

But I don’t stop, even though I feel like I’m sprinting across empty space. Rain slashes at my face and roars in my ears like screaming voices.

Screaming. The scene starts to play in my head. Tobias and I were arguing. I’d seen him with another girl, holding her hand and smiling that smile I thought was reserved for me. I was so angry. I’d pushed him. Hard. I’d wanted to hurt him.

But I hadn’t meant…

I hadn’t meant for it to go that far.

Now he’s gone, and I’m as good as gone. All because I made one stupid, fatal mistake.

My heart clenches in my chest at the thought, making it harder to breathe as I run.

It was an accident. I’m not a bad person.

Right?

Tobias falls over and over in my mind until I finally reach my house and dive under the blankets of my bed soaking wet and shaking and cold.

I must’ve blacked out because the next thing I know the thrumming of the rain has been replaced by knocking at my door. The sky outside is no longer black but blue.

The person at my door starts shouting. “Violet! Violet, are you in there? Violet, it’s urgent!”

I recognize that high-pitched voice. I drag myself to the door and open it to see the broken face of Angelica. She gasps a little at the sight of me, as though she wasn’t expecting me to actually be here. She clutches her hands close to her chest as tears stream down her face.

“Violet,” she sobs. “Something terrible has happened. Tobias’s neighbors found him dead in his house this morning.”

I know this, but my knees wobble all the same. Angelica flings her arms around me.

“I’m so sorry, Violet!” Angelica cries. “They say he fell and broke his neck, but some people suspect foul play. That couldn’t be possible, could it? Who would ever want to hurt Tobias? It had to have been an accident.”

Accident. The word echoes in my bones. Yes, it was an accident, wasn’t it? I’d meant to push him, to hurt him a little, but not to kill him.

“He was so young,” Angelica continues. “He had such big dreams. He didn’t even get to have a Judgment Day!”

“Judgment Day,” I whisper. My heart quickens in my chest. “Mine is in two days. Do you think I could get it moved? I’m not feeling up to it.”

“You know they won’t move it. They never have. Remember when that tornado came through and they still had Judgement Day a few hours after? Everything was in shambles.” Angelica squeezes my shoulders. “Just think of it as a memorial for Tobias. Do it for him. He would want that.”

All I can imagine is red stained water. I’d seen it happen a few times before on other people’s Judgment Days. I remember the horrified and disgusted faces of the men and women and children around me. A couple looked smug, as if they knew what the water would do. I remember the judged being hauled away, their clothes still soaked, to some terrible fate.

Angelica’s hand cups my cheek, snapping me out of my thoughts. “He would’ve loved to see you floating in that crystal water,” Angelica says. “A pure little dove. That’s what he always called you.”

I feel like I’m going to throw up again.

I yank away from her touch. “I need to go.”

“Are you going to be okay? I can stay if you want.”

“I’m fine. Just need to be alone.”

I shut the door in Angelica’s face and retreat back to my room. I pull a blanket tight around my shoulders. What am I going to do? I can’t get out of Judgment Day, but after what I did, the water would run red, and I would be exiled or killed.

A part of me thinks it’s what I deserve. I should accept it.

But it scares me so terribly that my whole body begins to shake.

It also makes me furious. I’ve lived a blemish free life as a pure little dove, but none of that matters now.

If only I’d controlled my temper. No, if only he hadn’t made me so mad —

I bury my head in my hands. I close my eyes and see Tobias’s lifeless body. Maybe, just maybe, the powers that be will understand it was an accident. Maybe they’ll see that I never wanted to kill him, that I loved him. Maybe they’ll see that he had a sin on his hands, too, left behind by the touch of that other girl.

I’m not a bad person. I can’t be. It was an accident.

All I could do was hope and pray for mercy.

……

I stand on a marble platform above the sparkling pool in a flowing white dress, which my wringing hands are working wrinkles into. Before coming to the pool, I went around the village performing acts of kindness — I threw white paint over the leaking red on my heart. I hope the water doesn’t wash the paint away.

I hear footsteps coming up behind me, and then someone places a large hand on my shoulder.

“It must be hard not having Tobias here,” the village magistrate says. “I’m so sorry. It’s such horrible timing, and I wish it could be changed, but Judgment Days always stand, no matter the conditions or circumstances. I know you understand.”

I only nod, keeping my eyes on the water. The surface is like glass, smooth and still, daring me to shatter it into pieces with the weight of my mistake.

The magistrate removes his hand and turns to the crowd at my back. “Welcome, friends! We are here today for the Judgment Day of one Violet Spielman. If the water is clear, she is pure and free to continue her life in this village. If the water is red, she is impure and subject to a punishment of exile or execution. Violet, please face the crowd.”

Like a slow creaking door, I turn around. A wake of joyful faces greets me, Angelica at the front of them. She’s smiling through tears as she holds a handkerchief to her face.

They have no idea. They just see a pure little dove.

I pray to whatever power is looking down on me.

See? I’m loved. I’m good. They know that. I just made a mistake. Please…

The magistrate puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back to the edge of the platform we’re standing on, and my heart leaps into my throat. He crosses my arms over my chest. He steps back.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he says, and then he takes a few steps back.

I suck in a few deep breaths as I choke on my flailing heartbeat. Every hair on my body stands on end. I blink hard and fast to keep tears from entering my eyes. My knees feel like they might give out on me any second.

Everyone keeps smiling. Angelica gives me a thumbs up.

Remember Tobias, she mouths.

I remember. I remember his blank eyes. I remember his broken neck. I remember the scarlet blood. I’ll never forget it.

I look just behind Angelica and stiffen at the ginger-haired girl standing there. She was the one I saw with Tobias, holding his hand and making him smile.

I close my eyes and push away the image of Tobias and the girl. Instead, I picture the water staying crystal clear when I hit it. I force myself to have hope, to believe the waters and the village and the world and the universe will see it was an accident I wish I could take back. I tell myself I’m not an evil person.

And then I fall.

I lean back and let gravity take me, down, down, down.

My back hits the water and shatters the glassy surface into thousands of fractals that shoot around the pool and slosh onto the sides of the marble platform.

As I sink down deeper, I open my eyes to clear water. My limbs go limp with relief, and I spread my arms wide.

Thank you, I think in a kind of prayer to whatever powers are watching over me. Thank you for understanding.

But then a single red droplet of water rises from my chest, up, up, up to the surface of the pool.

No…

In an instant, the water explodes with red. Torrents of scarlet dash from my body to the pool’s edges and take over my vision. The water is too warm and almost sticky. A cry escapes my throat, and a bit of the pool touches my tongue. It tastes metallic.

No… Please!

Through the endless red water, I see Tobias’s mouth leaking with blood. Then I see his blank eyes. The eyes blink, and life returns to their lenses. They bore into me. They burn with anger. Hatred. Judgment.

I’m sorry!

Thick globs of bubbles escape my mouth as I scream.

I’m sorry!

I feel hands grab me. They pull me out of the hellish water. The last thing I see is Tobias’s blue eyes glazing over again.